No, don't, can't

I attended the second session of the series on behavioral interventions for caregivers of people with developmental disabilities on Tuesday, where Marion Hunt gave an excellent presentation. She had a lot of great suggestions, but one of the things that stood out was the idea that in normal parenting/social practices, we reward problem behavior and punish appropriate behavior. Specifically, we give attention to problem behavior, and attention, positive or negative, is a reward for many developmentally or cognitively impared people. At the same time, we ignore appropriate behavior. I'll tell you, until you try to not acknowledge a problem behavior and only praise appropriate behavior you have no idea how counterintuitive this process is. As a parent, it is so hard to not run around saying "No, no, no!" But, if we want to succeed in modifying problem behavior, that's the shift we have to make. Ms. Hunt also said that caregivers who work with developmentally delayed people should banish the words "no," "don't," and "can't" from their vocabularies when talking with their people. Again, totally counterintuitive, but much more effective. Mike and I tried this technique this past weekend at my mother's house, where Wilder was tapping his hand forcefully against the lampshades of every lamp he could reach (which was at least six). Instead of saying "No Wilder" every time, we started saying "soft touch" and placing his fingers gently against the shade. By the time the evening was over, he was gently touching the lampshades instead of pounding on them, so the negative event we wanted to avoid--a broken lamp--was much less of a threat. It's very hard to remember just how differently a person with autism perceives the social world, and as parents we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over. As Ms. Hunt said, you cannot expect that your people will know the appropriate behavior in any situation. They don't watch and imitate the way most children do. You have to teach and reinforce the appropriate behavior for every situation and give your child a chance to succeed.